Everyone wants to call it, all around our life with a better name,
Everyone falls and spins and gets up again with a friend who does the same.
Everyone lies and cheats their wants and needs and still believes their heart.
And everyone gets the chills, the kind that kills when the pain begins to start.
Everyone falls and spins and gets up again with a friend who does the same.
Everyone lies and cheats their wants and needs and still believes their heart.
And everyone gets the chills, the kind that kills when the pain begins to start.
Elle's letter has generated a lot of opinions and comments. I am okay with that. I don't expect most people to agree with me choices, I am not always comfortable with my choices. I feel the fact that I question myself is a good sign that my intentions are not false.
No one is selfless. We are all motivated by our own desires and issues. I am sure Mother Teresa had her own selfish reasons for helping the poor in India, people just haven't bothered to investigate them. It has been my experience, (and suggest by my old therapist) that the people who claim not to have any of their own issues are the ones who are lying to themselves. I acknowledge my issues. It doesn't mean I am going to change them.
There could be several reasons Elle feels this way, she has a fear of aging (she is 42) and my constantly seeking the affection of younger women could be a trigger. Maybe she is just tired of putting time into a strained relationship. She watched me go through my time with Tinkerbell and doesn't want to pick me up when Billy leaves. She is entitled to her opinion.
I do not appreciate her eluded to me as a predator and insinuating my actions are all part of some little game. I have always gone out of my way to help others, regardless of age. Yes I have an affection for younger women, with emotional/ psychological problems. "Wounded girls are my heroin," I feel comfortable around them. Why wouldn't I? I have emotional and psychological problems. I'd rather die tomorrow in pursuit of a little happiness than trying to untangle my issues.
Nothing lasts forever. The idea of lasting happiness is an illusion. Billy could leave me tomorrow, I could die tomorrow, my house could be sucked away by a tornado. In the five or six years that I have known her Elle, has had at least five relationships. Would you say her lifestyle has brought her lasting happiness? Despite the turmoil involved with my time with Tinkerbell, I still can look back at our time together with some fondness.
Let me get this straight, do you want me here?
As I struggle through each and every year.
And all these demons, they keep me up all night.
They keep me up all night.
As I struggle through each and every year.
And all these demons, they keep me up all night.
They keep me up all night.
Cartoon Character summerized it best. This isn't a perfect world. Am I the best person for Billy? Absolutely not. Does she even want what is best for her right now? Apparently not. Am I good for her right now or am I harming her. I think the scales would say I am helping her. I am not trying to use her. She is probably more harmful to me, but I have accepted that.
Everyone's cross to bears the crown they wear on endless holiday.
Everyone raises kids in a world that changes life to a bitter game.
Everyone works and fights, stays up all night to celebrate the day.
And everyone lives to tell the tale of how we die alone some day.
Everyone raises kids in a world that changes life to a bitter game.
Everyone works and fights, stays up all night to celebrate the day.
And everyone lives to tell the tale of how we die alone some day.
As for the question of what I print here, I think it is pretty obvious that I don't only state the good. Sure there are things I don't have time to post. There are things I don't post. As the author, I reserve the right to not portray my characters in the worst way. You don't do that to someone you love. I don't try to put a false face on myself. I am your average white collar worker by day, white colar criminal by night who likes to hang out with strippers, sociopaths and drug addicts. I am considered to be a nice guy by most people. Obviouly not everyone.
Let me get this straight, do you want me here?
As I struggle through each and every year.
And all these demons, they keep me up all night.
They keep me up all night... Up All Night, Blink 182
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa
As I struggle through each and every year.
And all these demons, they keep me up all night.
They keep me up all night... Up All Night, Blink 182
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa
Here's another quote from Mother Teresa that you might identify with:
ReplyDelete“We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.”
I don't think Mother Teresa's reasons for doing what she did were as complex as some people think they were. Some people just aren't born with the ability to look away when someone else is in pain.
Maybe you have that gift/curse too. Who knows.
And just so you know - the people who judge you for your actions - they are the unknowing as referred to in Mother Teresa's quote. They will never, never, never, never know. What it is like.
You know me, I am not very religious. I added Mother Teresa's quote with a bit of tongue and cheek but I do agree with them. I don't feel trying to do something right should be because you are hoping for an everlasting reward after death.
DeleteI try to make a difference in life, because it makes a difference.
I dunno Bathwater, this is of course a very delicate situation to find yourself in..I think that maybe you've over-analysed someone who, however clumsily they've expressed it, cares about you enough to have concern. Fairytale lives aren't true, at least not for the most of us, but maybe you can't evaluate the situation because you're so close to this girl..? Yes, she needs support at this very difficult time, but sometimes it takes a little space for yourself to get your head round stuff and see your feelings more clearly. Not judging, just offering another opinion up.
ReplyDeleteMost people are effected by their own agenda, Elle is one of them, so am I. My relationship with Billy should not be affecting her this much. If it does trigger problems with herself, by all means she should stay away from it.
DeleteYou are taking one day at a time. That's the best you can do. I don't think you are an enabler. Its just, sometimes we keep our eyes open wide shut.
ReplyDeleteMake sure to look around. Somebody closer to home might need you more than she does.
I need her though Ellie, or someone like her. I can't give, give, give without some return. Billy gives in return. My children's needs come first but Billy energizes me.
DeleteIn your last post the topic was Elle and what she said to you and some of it I agreed with and saw her points and also know a few things based on my own experiences and so I shared that with you.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm going to tell you what I tell my close friends and my daughter: At the end of the day, it's YOUR life, YOUR choice and regardless of what I or anyone else says, do what feels right for YOU.
I don't think you're a bad person and I don't think you're a "predator". I think you sincerely want to help Billy and hope she'll be the one to stick around after you've helped her. The last part is what I worry about for you, that you're setting yourself up for another heartbreak by repeating the same pattern with a different girl.
If this was Billy's blog I'd be saying something similar only I'd also be saying, "You're lucky to have someone in your life that's willing to help you at such a dark time." Because Cartoon commenter is right, it's something I wouldn't do. Not because I don't care but because I know what I personally can and can't handle and drug addiction is way out of my league.
Right now you both are just trying to put out the fire. After it's out then you'll have time to figure the rest out. Like Ellie said, one day at a time.
Thank you, I agree, I need to make my own choices. In the end my life goals are simple, be happy now and try to make a difference. Those are what I am doing.
DeleteThere's no question you walk a fine line between help and harm. That is, you helping, and you being harmed. I hope you will look back on this time and feel like it was worth it. That you were happy. And that you would make the same choices.
ReplyDeleteI hope so too. We can't always predict how we will view the past. I know that I still look back on my time with Tinkerbell with fondness and I don't think I did anything to harm her.
Deletedear bath water, i am a silent reader of your blog, i have never commented before. i am from germany so my english might not be the best. I do not agree with elle. I do not think you are predator or abusing billy just because you are old. as any relationship this is a two way street. my situation is a little like billy's. any young man would prefer a pretty girl who is not using to a drugged pretty girl. but old men are different, they have more experience, money and they are a little desperate as they think they can regain their youth while being with us (i am 20), and last but not least the pretty young girls who are not using generally prefer young men. And so i think we both take advantage, the old man can have a young girl - with a flaw, and we have someone who looks after us and gives us money and cares and is kind, something most young men would not or cannot do. but this does not mean that we do not like or respect each other or are not attracted to each other. It is not a perfect world, but i think at the moment you are both trying to make the best of it.
ReplyDeleteKiera your English is fine, thank you for the comment. You are correct, there are other locations where my relationship with Billy would not seem so out of place. This dynamic between the young and old is as old as time.
Deleteermm.. i did not say that! aka that "there are other locations where my relationship with Billy would not seem so out of place", it was kind that you replied to my comment, but this was not what i was saying. i did not speak about regions or locations at all.
DeleteSorry to add more to your words. I suppose I was thinking of the Ukrainian waitress Milla I was friends with for a while whole said that. What you do say, and I agree with, is that we do respect each other and we are attracted to each other.
DeleteNo one truly understands or know another wholly. People may experience similar situations but they are not you. They have not lived your life through your eyes or feel with your heart. So no one can truly judge another.
ReplyDeleteWhat you're doing is not merely helping another but the person who is important to you. And hopefully, she will remain in your life. But as you have mentioned, just live day by day. Enjoy what you have while you still have it because life is unpredictable. I spend too much of my time looking in the past because I have made decisions I've regret. Just enjoy the present.
The largest time in my life (while I was married) holds the most regret. I have buried that period. My life since the divorce, chronicled through my two blogs hold both happy and sad memories but memories a still go back to relive.
DeleteWe all have our agendas when we make the decisions we do as Bathwater says. When we judge others we are often pouring condemnation on ourselves, sometimes without realizing it.
ReplyDeleteI commented in one post how sometimes, it's only grace that keeps us from the street: http://callmenurse.blogspot.com/2010/10/there-but-for-grace-of-god.html
"Do no harm" is my slogan. Sometimes I am not successful, but we can only try.
Sometimes is only the love of others that keeps us from the streets.
DeleteI think the most important thing, is that Billie makes it through this. Whatever it takes.
ReplyDeleteI agree, and sometimes that means making the hard decisions. Like calling the police last week.
DeleteYou are right-- one day at a time AND don't forget to breathe.
ReplyDeleteI hope blogging and purging your feelings out in written form is somewhat helpful/therapeutic for you.
Blogging and the people who comment here are all very helpful. I have been away too long this week.
DeleteI love the candid, honest, raw nature of your blog. Love it.
ReplyDeleteThank you, it is candid and embarrassingly real, sometimes.
DeleteGood morning, Bathwater...
ReplyDeleteI am curious... you did have your Charger insured... right?
Have you filed a claim for the damages??
How did you report the cause of the accident???
I hope you are doing well...
~shoes~
do you have a fear of aging?
ReplyDeleteNo do you? I don't fear it I disdain the idea. I think the present is the best time to live not to wait till you are old and feeble.
DeletePlease leave these vulnerable young girls alone. Sort yourself out before you try to sort out anyone else.
ReplyDeleteApart from Billy, what's new? What's going on in your life? Or don't you have a life outside the helpless women you save like an angel?
Two things struck a chord:
"Managing Billy, her medication, her therapy and her recovery is a full time job. "
So why not train to be a nurse? Or adopt a sick and needy pet, so you can have something else to heal, cure, look after, save, whilst you journal the journey? Or adopt a disabled child. It seems you really prefer relationships where you act as a caretaker or parent. Tink, Rose and Billy are your little children that you look after. And what's the payoff, apart from sex?
Feeling like a hero, a saviour. Which leads to the second thing that struck a chord with me.
You basking in the comparison of yourself to being an "angel", by Billy and her mother. And, you hope, your blog readers, who hear all about how wonderful you are in trying to save these troubled girls.
Seriously, get a disabled pet or something and leave these damaged girls alone. The help they need is not a sexual relationship.
I am not taking advantage of anyone. Your impressions of the situation are twisted by your own mental issues. Yes sometimes it does feel good to be in savior role but mostly it is a thankless job. Often you give more than you get. That is my issue but it doesn't adversely affect anyone involved with me. I am sure that Tink, Rose or Billy would have positive things to say about their time with me and what I have done for them.
ReplyDeleteTinkerbell and I were best of friends way longer than we had any type of sexual relationship. If I am doing this just for the sex why is there not much talk about the sex here. The sex is not the driving force, once again you are assuming.